“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
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Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
🍛
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is