I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]