“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
You Might Also Like
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Milk Cube
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it