I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
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Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
This made me chuckle.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-