call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
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That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen