@tbhjustkoaIa: i love when people apologize to me about their rooms being dirty I’m just like lmao u should see my life
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@simoncholland: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
@JohnLyonTweets: Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
@SCBamaMan: As soon as you see the cop approaching, throw the bag of weed in his hands and do a citizen's arrest.