I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.