I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.