“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
two people or more is called a problem
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”