“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future