My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
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My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Who chose this font
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows