“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
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I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
we’re dead?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.