I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.