I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
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If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
just gave your address to some spiders
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.