I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
You Might Also Like
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.