Grandmother clock.
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’