I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.