When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
That’s enough internet for the day
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*