I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
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Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.