1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…