I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.