@Not_Uncle_Hoot: I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn't have to make eye contact with the neighbors.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me. "It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."
@BuckyIsotope: [stranded on deserted island] *spells out message in rocks* WHAT’S THE WIFI PASSWORD
@DanLaMorte: 21st century kid on Santa's lap-"Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh"