I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
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Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie