I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[on my way back to the posting caves]
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.