It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Waiting for the Charmin
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
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There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]