@TheCatWhisprer: [at home on video conference call] Yeah boss I don't know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad. *pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

@dafloydsta: *slides $5 to the funeral director* Maybe you can get me the widow's phone number?

@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house? Me: They can't get in. 6: Why not? Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

@briangaar: *interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever

@iGreenMonk: My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.