@AmericanGent69: My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she's using it.

@MarfSalvador: [Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend] Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

@junejuly12: Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed. ~ Captain Hook's Tinder profile ~

@TheToddWilliams: [butterfly residence] WIFE: You said you'd change, Carl HUSBAND: But I have WIFE: Not really HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

@Book_Krazy: Hub: Did you eat all the nachos? Me: Noooo. I had one nacho. Hub: because they were stuck together? Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!