@KeetPotato: [lightbulb store] owner: "what watt can i get you?" me: owner: me: owner: "did i stutter?" me: "i dont know"

@OtherDanOBrien: "Dark Side Tech Support." "Hi. My hand lightning won't work. The hate's flowing thru me, but nada." "Try turning the hate off & on again."

@goldengateblond: Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."

@clyderun: The ex hasn't moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.

@3sunzzz: Hang up weed instead of mistletoe, then every time you stand under it you can have a snack.