I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
San Francisco has too many rules
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.