Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options