Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.