I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
🤣
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
this is me
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this