@LoveNLunchmeat: I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let's be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
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@SortaBad: Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: *Goes to zoo to see the world's oldest tortoise. Guide: He's over 200 years old. How cool is that? *Tortoise says something racist.
@RobElliottComic: [having sex] Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS! Her: USE YOUR HANDS! Me: *raises the roof*
@AristotlesNZ: 9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!? Yo, evolution: You missed one..