I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Just me?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.