I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE