Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?