I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
You Might Also Like
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Terribly Tuesday.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Cannot stop laughing at this
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.