I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
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I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.