Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand