I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
can’t talk my ride’s here
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.