I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
this post was so formative to me
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Lmao
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.