I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
You Might Also Like
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles