I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet