I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in