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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Well, that didn’t work.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
im all 3
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.