@ItsAndyRyan: I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I'd told her I was going to a funeral.
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@TheRolo: When I'm in a bathroom stall, please don't yell "Oh my God oh my God there's a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
@LizHackett: A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn't a big deal, so I said out loud, "I saw that."
@jonnysun: ME: genie, i wish i was dead GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left ME: i dont think u understood
@onion_an: [knock on door] Who is it? "Jeff" Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity? "Jeff from work" [opens door] "Sucker"