@ItsAndyRyan: I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I'd told her I was going to a funeral.
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@Fred_Delicious: [Getting waterboarded] "Um, sir the subject isn't responding to interrogation, he's just getting bigger" [Me, a sponge] "MwahahaHAHAHAA"
@ibid78: I just got an eyelash in my eye and I'm yelling at it cuz it's supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB."