I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
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[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.