I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
You Might Also Like
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Expect the unexporcupine.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.