I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
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“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists