I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”