@PinkCamoTO: I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
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@AskinWayne: My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle] Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop. [puts in earbuds]
@savvystrider: Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I'm from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
@JasonLastname: On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.