I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
$4 #usedbooks
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated