I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Sponch
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little