I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Oceanography is all about current events
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.