“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
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My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Just a phase…
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.