I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?